I need to share an interesting story.
Tonight I got into a fight with a friend (I happened to be the one in the wrong). Because of my ill treatment of her it also caused friction between Weldon and I (he saw me be mean right in front of him). So far, nothing out of the ordinary has occured. Friends fight and husbands see us at our worst sometimes.
I was feeling heavy-hearted about the situation and decided to go to the bookstore to collect my thoughts. I picked through a book in the Christian section (yes, I was just that guilty...lol) and chose not to buy it. I went to the African-American section and thought to myself "sometimes being in tune with yourself is cultural, not religious". Sure enough the first book I saw was called "Souls of My Young Sisters". It is an anthology of different women's experiences with life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. No, that is not what the book called it, but that's what the stories were about. I flipped through a couple of stories and stumbled upon a familiar name. My friend Syreta from college was actually one of the authors! Sure enough when they gave the author description at the end of her story it said she was a Spelman graduate...it's really her! I closed the book and promptly went to purchase (I've got to support this cause). On the way out of the bookstore I carelessly grabbed a free bookmark, the prettiest one, and went home.
Sitting at home I was still heavy-hearted every time I thought about the fight. I knew the fight was trivial but the root of the fight was deep. Weldon and I watched a movie but periodically I would feel a pang on the inside. Once we settled in for the night I slipped out of bed and went to the guest room to cry it out. It was then that I finally figured out the deep-rooted issue that I am always having with people. It was made manifest to me tonight as I cried out by myself to God. I knew this epiphany was a gift because I prayed a week ago for an answer to the situation because I simply couldn't figure it out by myself. The answer was one simple word: vulnerable. I'm not it. She is. They all are. All the people I resent and get frustrated with. I've never been vulnerable because I was taught not to trust people and to self-protect. In reality there is freedom in vulnerability. I envy those with a freedom I do not have (ouch).
Boy was I really crying then. I knew why a lot of people around me might share my frustrations. They too may not be vulnerable. They may also resent the freedom that vulnerable people enjoy. Furthermore, they are mostly black women. Sisters. We have been taught to protect and never to trust, never to let anyone take care of us better than we can take care of ourselves. Are we 'self-protectors' as free as those daring enough to go against the grain? Nope. If we were then the resentment simply wouldn't be there. Suddenly I knew that it was not a coincidence that I picked up the book that featured my Spelman sister. I didn't want to wake Weldon so I grabbed my book and free bookmark and went into the living room where I now sit.
I was prepared to bury myself in my new book. However, as I picked up the bookmark I noticed a scripture written on it. Remember, I didn't even pay attention to what was on it as I left the bookstore. This is what it said:
"For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Psalms 91: 11-12
On the back of the bookmark was an advertisement for a book. The book is called "Through the Night." Wow.
I know people who struggle with their faith and are confused about Jesus. The only way I know to share my understanding is through stories like these. If God has your ear there is a lot He has to say. Just listen. I have an open ear to God so I learned so much tonight. The most prevalent lesson was to let go and trust people. I started thinking that my baby will be vulnerable too. Am I going to resent him or her? Why wouldn't I unless I start to break the habit now, through the night.
Tonight I got into a fight with a friend (I happened to be the one in the wrong). Because of my ill treatment of her it also caused friction between Weldon and I (he saw me be mean right in front of him). So far, nothing out of the ordinary has occured. Friends fight and husbands see us at our worst sometimes.
I was feeling heavy-hearted about the situation and decided to go to the bookstore to collect my thoughts. I picked through a book in the Christian section (yes, I was just that guilty...lol) and chose not to buy it. I went to the African-American section and thought to myself "sometimes being in tune with yourself is cultural, not religious". Sure enough the first book I saw was called "Souls of My Young Sisters". It is an anthology of different women's experiences with life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. No, that is not what the book called it, but that's what the stories were about. I flipped through a couple of stories and stumbled upon a familiar name. My friend Syreta from college was actually one of the authors! Sure enough when they gave the author description at the end of her story it said she was a Spelman graduate...it's really her! I closed the book and promptly went to purchase (I've got to support this cause). On the way out of the bookstore I carelessly grabbed a free bookmark, the prettiest one, and went home.
Sitting at home I was still heavy-hearted every time I thought about the fight. I knew the fight was trivial but the root of the fight was deep. Weldon and I watched a movie but periodically I would feel a pang on the inside. Once we settled in for the night I slipped out of bed and went to the guest room to cry it out. It was then that I finally figured out the deep-rooted issue that I am always having with people. It was made manifest to me tonight as I cried out by myself to God. I knew this epiphany was a gift because I prayed a week ago for an answer to the situation because I simply couldn't figure it out by myself. The answer was one simple word: vulnerable. I'm not it. She is. They all are. All the people I resent and get frustrated with. I've never been vulnerable because I was taught not to trust people and to self-protect. In reality there is freedom in vulnerability. I envy those with a freedom I do not have (ouch).
Boy was I really crying then. I knew why a lot of people around me might share my frustrations. They too may not be vulnerable. They may also resent the freedom that vulnerable people enjoy. Furthermore, they are mostly black women. Sisters. We have been taught to protect and never to trust, never to let anyone take care of us better than we can take care of ourselves. Are we 'self-protectors' as free as those daring enough to go against the grain? Nope. If we were then the resentment simply wouldn't be there. Suddenly I knew that it was not a coincidence that I picked up the book that featured my Spelman sister. I didn't want to wake Weldon so I grabbed my book and free bookmark and went into the living room where I now sit.
I was prepared to bury myself in my new book. However, as I picked up the bookmark I noticed a scripture written on it. Remember, I didn't even pay attention to what was on it as I left the bookstore. This is what it said:
"For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." Psalms 91: 11-12
On the back of the bookmark was an advertisement for a book. The book is called "Through the Night." Wow.
I know people who struggle with their faith and are confused about Jesus. The only way I know to share my understanding is through stories like these. If God has your ear there is a lot He has to say. Just listen. I have an open ear to God so I learned so much tonight. The most prevalent lesson was to let go and trust people. I started thinking that my baby will be vulnerable too. Am I going to resent him or her? Why wouldn't I unless I start to break the habit now, through the night.
I'm not even trying to turn this into a holy ghost, speaking-in-tongues kind of site, just a girl who got chills when she picked up a bookmark. It was too real not to share. Love ya.
You continue to inspire and infuse me with life and faith. You have just taught us a lesson in being introspective, which is a valuable attribute in the journey to vulnerability. I share your need to self-protect, and I would guess it's deep rooted in my life history. Thank you for opening my eyes too and for sharing your faith with all of us. I've always known that God had us intersect for a reason, and I'm so grateful for His infinite wisdom. Love you girl!
ReplyDeletePreach!!!!!!
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